could i have been a parking lot attendant

What if . . . the ice cream thing isn’t fun anymore, never mind the ninety nine percent of the time it isn’t a torturous way to spend twelve hours of my limited life span and helps pay the minimum balance due?

What if . . . I miss the days when I felt like I was making a difference, like back when I actually believed I’d realized my dream of being Casey Kasem and made that one listener’s day with my witty banter and “just the right song?”

What if . . . I read of my old pal John and think “I would be good at that?”

What if . . . finding a way to be me, a compassionate, caring, idealistic soul, was something doable, something I could make happen, instead of choosing to just keep on being acted upon and reacting accordingly?

What if . . . rather than being told what to care about, what is important, what drives us to zero, I could choose my own battles, ones worth fighting, and swing away at them with an abandon bordering on joyous recklessness?

What if . . . even as a do my best to be upbeat and to make a difference, even where it seems to profit everyone but me, I looked outside of me and my situation and picked a new landscape to gaze upon, a new field to plow, a new face to brighten?

What if . . . instead of lamenting how it’s too late and all and checked into whether I could finish those two years of Spanish online and actually got my degree, with the major in English and the minors in philosophy and religious studies?

What if . . . I picked up the paper and looked for something else?

What if . . . I didn’t just throw in the towel all the time and wallow in this self-made mire of pity and . . .

What ifs . . .

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3 thoughts on “could i have been a parking lot attendant

  1. I love this. I really do. It is hard sometimes to reconcile the real and the imagined, the middle aged self with the younger one, to find a way to express who you are and give the best of yourself to the people you love and the world at large. I won’t say “anything is possible” because I don’t believe that’s absolutely true. I will say that we *can* change: choose better and act instead of react. Most of the time when are stuck, it’s as much about our mental state as it is about our circumstances. I’ve wrestled with many of these same questions, and I’ve made a lot of progress in changing how I live and react to my circumstances.

    Keep writing, Brian. You’re onto something here!

  2. Hello. Nice to see a familiar face in the valley of middle age (it is a valley, not a peak). I’m trying to say YES to all my negative thoughts. The ones that I know are habit and not help. Just YES. And move on.

  3. yeah – i know this feeling all too well – so easy to get stuck in regrets and give up on the hopes.

    Its like riding a wave sometimes – and keeping focus on the fact that what goes down sometimes also goes up is the problem. Dealing with those feelings is the first step though, so i hope you will make good progress

    At the end of the day – whatever you do, find ways to make it more fun. We don’t always get to do the things we want to, but should try and make more of the things we have to

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