Garbage or: What I’ll Be Eating On May 21, 2011

This is Garbage. With a capital G, and with toast. Raisin in this case.

I took a picture of Garbage, I love it so very much. This Garbage is the real deal.

Garbage is the breakfast specialty platter at Klemm’s Kafe on Wells Street in Fort Wayne, Indiana. It consists of fried potatoes, tomatoes, green peppers, onions, bacon, sausage, ham, and scrambled eggs . . . all smothered in sausage gravy. The plate is huge, the food is cooked right there in front of you, and the coffee is hot, perhaps the best I’ve ever tasted.

I eat at Klemm’s more than I probably should. They know me by name, and feel comfortable enough to grab my napkin and clean my face for me.

I. Shit. You. Not.

A friend and I have decided that on the morning of Saturday, May 21, 2011, if we are still around at daybreak (and the odds are good that we will be), we shall call off work and convene at Klemm’s for some authentic Garbage. It’ll be his birthday. “Double nickels” he likes to say. We’ll eat until our bellies are full and bulging. We’ll drink (coffee) and be merry. For later that day, we may die. Or, at least, be judged. And found wanting.

That’s if these folks are right. Here’s a brochure, or tract if you prefer, spelling it all out in plain English. Through some fancy hermeneutics and fast and loose date calculations, we can know exactly when Judgment Day will take place. And the end is near, folks.

The short of it?

The rapture will happen on Saturday, May 21, 2011. If you are one of God’s elect (chosen by God, way before you were even born, to be saved), then you will be swept into the sky. If you die before then and are one of the elect, then your body will come out of the ground – coerced by one of myriad earthquakes – and it will rise into the sky.

Everyone else is fucked.

But not right away. Those left on earth will have to endure five months of “horrible torment” before finally, on October 21, 2011, being “punished with everlasting destruction.” Fire, this time around. Everything will be completely and painfully vaporized.

Most of this jibes with what I learned as a child, growing up in a Pentecostal denomination. Everything but the “elect” part. I was taught that people had a choice whether or not to accept the gospel message. And five months?!? I was taught those Left Behind had at least seven years to get things squared with God and maybe make it in at the Second Coming. If these people are right, there will be no second chance. And you’ll have five months to think about how God didn’t choose you. That will be a miserable five months.

Here’s the serious part . . .

Toward the end of the tract, after sharing the good news about how the repentant inhabitants of Nineveh were spared, the author writes:

Although there is no possibility that God will not follow through on His intention to destroy the world in 2011, we can know from His dealings with the people of Nineveh that God is tenderhearted and full of mercy.  This should encourage each one of us to go to God and beseech Him for His great mercy.

Tenderhearted? Full of mercy? Read the literature. That God is nowhere to be found. And such arrogance, to presume to know the mind of God.

God is not found in such arrogance. If God be anything at all, God is unknowable. Probably unimaginable. And far from being wielded, by such weak vessels as we surely are, as the harbinger, author and creator of destruction.

To find, and embrace, the God I am coming to believe in, is to remember something forgotten. To dig inside, under the crap, and to restore our sense of wonder. Of joy. Of spontaneous, pure passion. Perhaps God isn’t the right word. It isn’t for many people that I’ve come to respect.

And I’ll acknowledge that the God you may believe in is nothing like the God who will destroy the world in 2011.

If God is a mystery to you, then we can talk.

But then again, what do I know . . .


8 thoughts on “Garbage or: What I’ll Be Eating On May 21, 2011

  1. good to have a plan – and that looks like a right tasty thing to be eating during the end of days! i’m just glad that on 21 May i’ll have just returned from Greece, and that is the week i’m supposed to be dealing with a very smelly business meeting that week that i’d be quite willing to miss…

    1. Going to Greece again this year? Super! I went and bought a huge suitcase I can squeeze into just for the occasion.

      You won’t even know I’m there . . .

  2. Listen, I’m the first to admit that I am the closest thing you’ll find to a text book heathen, but I didn’t tape videos of myself, unreleased to the public though they remain, singing along (not along, Bono was singing and I was singing, but I was rarely along with him) in a bid to support your campaign to quit smoking to come and celebrate you shoveling ten pounds of certifiable crap into your mouth to defy a deity that may or may not come as promised/threatened. You accompany your pal, sip a little something and nosh on something while he pigs out, but then you go home to that spectacular family fo yours and revel in the time you have.

    In all seriousness, bacon is my religion, just for the love of whatever, don’t drown it in gravy. Blech. And blessings upon you friend.

    -The grandkid of a preacher which is like a PKx2

    1. I thought I saw an orange at Klemm’s once, somewhere on the back counter. It looked lonely . . .

  3. If God be anything at all, God is unknowable. Probably unimaginable.
    Thank you, I’ve been saying that for years. Glad to see I’m not alone.

  4. I checked my calendar, and May 21st is completely open, which I’m thinking is a good sign. Free for the Rapture is my motto for 2011.

    1. That has the potential for a really HOT date!


  5. Oh joy, people who presume to speak for God. If there is a God, I certainly hope it’s more imaginative than these jokers.

    Of course, something as delicious as Garbage sounds always makes me question my lack of belief.

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