A Change of Plans

I threw things, fashioning a haphazard constellation of crumbs on the kitchen floor. I yelled loud, abrasive words, leaving little to be figured out or later interpreted out of context. The moment sprang from the shrapnel of a plan, detonated.

You see, I had in my mind a way for things to be. Things would unfold according to the agenda I envisioned, and all would be well. Only things weren’t by a long shot. And I lost it. Went all BOOM! The aforementioned throwing and yelling, coupled with generous loads of stomping, sulking and passive-aggressive bullshit. All nefarious and repulsive and yet so much a part of who I am. Zero to sixty to way-too-damn-fast and then off the tracks. In an instant. A heartbeat. A blink of an eye. Or whatever cliché you prefer.

Long after the scene had been cleared, I stood in the darkness. Contemplated. Lamented. Went for a drive that could have gone one of two ways. Rolled down the windows and let the bitter wind freeze my tears to my cheeks.

I came back.

I crawled up the ladder and into the bed of the youngest one, who went to sleep quiet certain that daddy didn’t love her very much. Amidst the menagerie of stuffed animals, I held her as tightly as her squirms would allow. We struggled for purchase.

“I’m sorry I was so scary last night.”

And now we’re making Chex Mix. What I’d planned to do last night all by myself is now a father-daughter project.

Gotta run. The timer is going off . . .


11 thoughts on “A Change of Plans

  1. That sounds EXACTLY like my husband. It is scary when it happens. Glad you made up with your daughter.

    1. I had to make up with everyone. Not just her. Humbling morning . . .

  2. mine had to learn that even parents have limits sometimes, and we’re human too. those apologies teach a million lessons… hugs to the clan.

  3. I’ve had to make those apologies, too. My temper flares but it dies down just as quickly. We’re not perfect creatures, any of us, and being a parent just means having a bigger front row audience for the show.

    The apology is such an important thing to teach our kids, and making Chex Mix together is about the best follow-up I’ve ever heard of. (Yum.)

    Wishing you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving!

  4. *sigh*

    Yeah, I know this one all too well.

    Hope the Chex Mix turned out great, and have yourself a great Thanksgiving.

  5. That was my dad many days when I was growing up and sadly his apologies were often few and far between. I inherited his temper, but I work every day to get rid of it. I wish you and your family the best and a Happy Thanksgiving!

  6. This part wasn’t in the manual was it?

  7. I haven’t had to make those apologies to my kids or to anyone. But I wish I had to do it once in a while. As your readers have mentioned, it’s part of life and it teaches our kids/family a lot. And it keeps us sane. Perhaps my lack of blow ups is why I so often feel insane! Believe me, keeping it all inside is not the answer. If only I had know then.

  8. chex mix solves everything, honey.

  9. We all have those moments. The important thing is that you apologized and then went even further to make it up by making chex mix together. It is important for kids to see us admit our weaknesses and apologize for the times we mess up. If they never see us apologize, they won’t have the inclination to do it when THEY need to.

  10. Been there, mate. The amazing thing about kids is their capacity for forgiveness.

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