I Scream


Anyone who works is a fool. I don’t work – I merely inflict myself upon the public.

~ Robert Morley

Completed Tasks:

1) Apply online for a position with a local company that is expanding its operations and hiring to meet manpower needs.

2) Spend a Monday evening sitting for a four-hour assessment test, complete with bubble sheet and No. 2 pencils.

3) Dress up a bit and impress the next rung up the HR ladder with my articulate manner and awe-shucks smile. Prove I’m not a psycho.

4) Dress down a bit (it was a Saturday, after all) and impress the top rung of the HR ladder and a couple seasoned employees with my infectious laughter and mad production skills. Prove I’m capable of being “one of us.”

Still To Do:

1) Turn my head and cough.

2) Lift 50 pounds and dance around with it a bit.

3) Donate a hair follicle for comprehensive drug screen. Emphasize that I’m going to need that hair back . . .

4) Allow them to scour my past and pray they don’t find out about that time I kicked the dog.

5) Find my high school diploma, which is more than likely buried in a very old box inside the sprawl that is in and around my bedroom closet.

In the words of my Pentecostal forebears, it’s all over but the shouting. Barring any unforeseen monkey wrenches, on March 23rd I will go from being an out-of-work bum to The Ice Cream Man.

So to celebrate, I bought one of these . . .

. . . and some of these . . .

. . . and I’m contemplating posting my desire for a freezer on Freecycle. I’ll plop that sucker in the corner of my garage, plug it in, and stock it with sweet dairy goodness. Maybe I’ll set out a free-will offering bucket, but I won’t make donating a requirement. Kids can stop chasing the ice cream truck and instead just swing by our place and indulge.

I’ll be the King of Summertime Fun.

But they better grab a Wet Nap clean their grubby little paws before they hop on the PS3. I swear to God they better . . .

[Flickr photo is by aturkus and is protected]

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23 thoughts on “I Scream

    • I have signed the offer letter, so unless I somehow manage to flunk the physical exam, which is really nothing more than a fitness test to make sure I can lift stuff without dropping anything on my toes, or the next person’s toes . . . yeah, it looks like a sure thing. But keep those fingers crossed anyway.

  1. Keep the flair to a minimum when you’re dancing around with that 50 lbs. ; )

    Congrats! Sounds like your house is THE place to be Summer 2010.

  2. now THAT is a job with meaning! and i’m guessing it’s reasonably recession proof. i eat ice cream when things are bad. i eat ice cream when things are good. congratulations!

  3. I know why they have to do the drug testing. No word of a lie, my favorite human on the planet, once a ice cream truck driver in the summer, used to stop at bars along his route and one day tipped over the truck in one of Cape Cod’s notorious rotaries or roundabouts by trying to round the circle on two wheels. Yeah, there are reasons why they need that hair sample. You made me laugh, tho….you want it back! Excellent news and I see stories galore coming out of this venture–some of them sweet stories.

  4. Sweet!

    Get it? It’s a play on words. Ice cream is sweet and it’s sweet that you’re finally… oh, nevermind!

    Congrats.

  5. Oh Congratulations!!! I’m so happy to hear that things are looking up for you and how cool to be an ice cream man! I’ll be keeping fingers crossed and praying for you

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