The Dream

I had the most vivid dream last night.

Maybe it was the beer.

Or the leftover Hamburger Helper I warmed up too late and then forgot about and left sitting in the microwave where it cooled down so much that I had to nuke it again. How many times can you reheat Hamburger Helper, I wonder, before it becomes just a rock of something unrecognizable and then sits in your gut all night while you try and get some sleep.

I’ll blame the Hamburger Helper.

I had taken a job at a child care center shaped like one of those A frame houses with the loft at the top where the toddlers have plenty of room but we had to duck to keep from banging our heads.

We were playing some game with little plastic blocks that were all the colors of the rainbow and shaped like squares and circles and rectangles and stars. There seemed to be no rules but little Johnny won every time and the other kids were getting pissed off and screaming at him and trying to hit him with the blocks and crying when we told them it was just a game and to not take life so seriously but they weren’t having it and so they started to run around the room and kick stuff and throw Cheerios.

And so I decided to take them all outside into the fenced in backyard for some fresh air. The sun shone brightly and there was no breeze to speak of and so things went well for a minute or two. Then overhead a mass of clouds formed and out of them dipped the most perfectly cylindrical tornado I had ever seen, like God took a straw and stuck it through the sky and just started sucking.

And the kids started screaming again and trying to run away even though I told them it was no big deal, that this sort of thing happens all the time and is actually kind of cool to witness. But they ran toward the fence, which was an electric fence for some reason, and they all stuck to the fence and stopped screaming and began writhing and a few caught on fire.

It was like that scene in The Green Mile when that asshole Percy Wetmore tricked everyone and didn’t get the sponge wet and so Eduard Delacroix caught on fire and the flames from his eyes burned right through the sack over his head and all that was left was a charbroiled Cajun who had once gone so far as to love a magical mouse. It was like that, and so it wasn’t really frightening or all that gross to watch.

But Johnny hadn’t run. He had stood there in the middle of the backyard and stared at the perfect tornado even as it ripped apart the fence and the kids that were on fire and sucked them up. Even as it came right up to him, sucked him up, and then just like that swooped right back up into the clouds and then the clouds vanished and there was sunshine again.

And there were no kids left to care for and so I went home for the rest of the day. And that’s when I woke up.


18 thoughts on “The Dream

  1. i can’t get over that image: “like God took a straw and stuck it through the sky and just started sucking.”


    damn. what a vivid dream.

  2. Dude, this dream has Hamburger Helper written all over it.

  3. You just stole my breath. Give it back before I have to find you and kick your ass. Which would be very difficult to do what with all the lack of oxygen.

  4. Gee. That WAS a bad dream. I have a friend who claims to have the gift of dream interpretation [I think she might actually have it!]. Would be interesting to run this one by her. I wonder why the kids wouldn’t listen when they were told not to take life so seriously…

    Percy Wetmore goes down in history as one of the biggest movie assholes of all time.

  5. that wasnt a dream. it was a nightmare. back slowly away from the hamburger helper…

  6. That is awful! I’ll bet you woke up in a cold sweat. Though I do have to say a dream is better than the real life bear that tried to break into our preschool playground while the kids were at school.

  7. Electric fenced daycares – Bad. Idea.

    Very vivid dream, Brian.

  8. What does it MEAN?!!

    p.s. the God sucking on a straw line is awesome.

  9. So what was THAT about? Any ideas?

  10. A daycare with an electric fence. Cool.

    And dude, are you seriously trying to get us to believe you tripped on Hamburger Helper? All I’m saying is—-share!!!

  11. So you weren’t a hero in your tornado dream, either. Somehow I feel a little less rotten about it now.

  12. No more Hamburger Helper for you. It turns into a powerful drug when you nuke it too much.

    What a vivid, powerful dream. A psychiatrist would have a field day with this one.

    How did you feel when you woke up? I might have been a tad upset waking after this dream.

  13. Electric fence for day-care? There is something perversely safe about this, but the bit of the kids stuck on it and lighting up is horrid. Divine retribution via God sucking up the offenders through a straw from heaven – wild and wonderful – “and they all went to heaven. God just sucked them up like a Slurpee…” – the element of oral fixation comes through kind of strongly. So, it may have something to do with the Hamburger Helper. This would make a great visual in a Hamburger Helper ad, sort of a surreal anti-ad perhaps. I’m going to eat this stuff whenever i need to have vivid dreams. It obviously works! G

  14. That was a fucked-up dream! I’m fascinated by dreams and their symbolism, but I don’t think I can interpret this one – has to be the Hamburger Helper!

    No seriously, this was a messed-up dream, man! You gotta lay off the HH, if only in the wee hours!

  15. I sometimes dream about tornados, but they never suck up preschoolers! It would be interesting to hear what a “dream interpreter” would make of your dream.

  16. If this is what Hamburger Helper does to you I’d suggest you stay away from the Tuna Helper. ‘cuz that stuff is just K-razy.

  17. You know what that dream means? It means you’re going to have good luck and find true love and live a long time. Just kidding. I have no idea what it means. I’m just jealous that you got some sleep. These bags under my eyes would LOVE a dream like that.

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