Wherein I sing with a sock puppet and in front of Ed McMahon

Christine and I go way back to the beginning of The Cheek of God. Her own blog, Flutter, was one of the first I ever read, and with her entry for the “Just A Little Crazy” series, she continues to inspire me . Be sure to visit the new Crazy! page to read previous entries in this series . . .

I can sing.

No, really I can.

The problem is, while I can sing, and well, I get immensely embarrassed when someone asks me to. About a year ago, someone asked me to sing on my blog. I did, but I was so shy for someone to see the absolutely mental faces I imagine that I make when I sing, that I made a sock puppet to sing for me. Out of a cashmere sock. And dreadlocks.

Oy.

So, there is a voice, hidden beneath a cashmere sock, just dying to be heard. When I was 19 I decided it was time for the world to hear it. I got a ginormous hair up my arse to audition for Star Search. Star. Search.

Ed McMahon.

Cheesy stage lights.

Copious amounts of make-up.

Bad, bad BAD costuming and enough pre-teen squeaky Whitney Houston wannabes to choke a moderately sized horse. Maybe even a big horse, although I haven’t done the calculations as to how big of a tween star it would take to bung up a Clydesdale. Not that you’d need to worry about a tween star being born purely Star Search.

For which I made my friend Jenny drive me to L.A., singing Madonna no fewer than 7034 times. She was a trooper, but to my credit I was on FIRE. Seriously? A 19-year-old white girl, wearing denim shorts, a button down denim shirt (of precisely matched washes) more hairspray than a southern girl’s wedding, and the reddest lipstick allowable by law, singing Madonna, with an entire verse en espanol? SO cross cultural. So fabulous.

[/end sarcasm]

We walked in to the auditorium where auditions were being held and without the benefit of my name or intent, I was given a number to wear when I reached the stage. I sat, watching a group of 6 girls, 3 guys, 2 dogs and a small Volvo do a rousing juggling routine, during which one of the dogs decided to crap onstage.

I shit you not (insert rimshot here).

Said shit was not yet removed, three excruciating acts later, when my number was called. I handed over my background music and took my very denim self up and positioned myself behind the mic. Then, I looked up. Ed McMahon (God rest his soul) was at the judge’s table, drinking coffee and picking his nose (so totally not speaking ill of the dead! It happened!). Literally. With his pinky. I took this to mean he was bored and I better hurry the hell up.

I waited for the music to start and opened my mouth, fully expected a belch, a crack or an “um” to betray my nerves. But, none of that happened. My voice, strong and true and beautiful came spilling out of me. Perfect in pitch and intensity, I rocked it. Until I reached one line.

I should have sang, “Te dijo, te amo”. Which means, “He told me, I love you”. What I sang was “Te dijo, me amo”, which means “He told me, I love me.”

Every Spanish-speaking person in the audience burst into applause and laughter.

Mortification grabbed me by my fallopian and yanked me off the stage, down the hallway and out to Jenny’s car. I didn’t wait to give them my name, I didn’t wait to get my tape of background music. I didn’t wait to get judge’s comments. I just hauled ass. I was at once thrilled with my nerve and mortified with my gaff.

Jenny and I drove home, me barely containing tears and her afraid to tell me that the judges thought I was great and had asked who I was. But it didn’t matter.

For three minutes, I moved. For three minutes, I shook. For three minutes, I let a room full of people see me . . . and I was a Spanish-challenged rock star. For three minutes, I dropped my chains and let the world hear my voice.

I’ve been dying to get back there ever since.

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34 thoughts on “Wherein I sing with a sock puppet and in front of Ed McMahon

  1. That is one kickass story!!!! (And voice!!!!)

  2. You have a beautiful voice Christine, sing already. Get your ass on stage and belt it out.

  3. “Spanish challenged rock star.”

    Awesome line, awesome voice, awesome post.

  4. You are so talented, it kills me.

    And hilarious, too πŸ™‚

  5. So I wonder, who cleaned up the shit?

    I admire your courage, back then and now.

  6. I can’t even sing with a sock puppet… so I am already in awe of you! Loved that video.

    I am a dancer. I can’t tell you how many times I miffed it in front of judges. Forgetting a step, falling in a turn… but what I wouldn’t do to be there again, to do it one more time…

    So I get you πŸ™‚

  7. the only ‘crazy’ in this? the fact that you’re afraid to unleash that voice woman! go get ’em!

  8. Performing can be so addictive. I love that you had the guts to go and do it.

  9. Your voice is as beautiful as you are…both are a gift to the rest of us.

  10. I HAVE FRICKEN SHIVERS!!!
    For your voice, for your courage, for your gaff (god, i love it) and for your hauling ass, and then, and then, and then, for your could have been. They loved you, as of course everyone should.

    You can totally blow, man! Your voice is golden.
    xo
    erin

  11. That took big ones! And I have to concur–beautiful voice. You could sing me a lullaby anytime.

  12. I don’t know why this surprises me but it does. You have got one serious set of BALLS, my friend.

  13. You guys are awesome, thank you. Sometimes i still say that line wrong. Te dijo me amo. Bastard.

  14. That? Is awesome.
    That is all.

  15. Oh, Lovely Lovely Flutter…I adore me some Christine.

  16. Wow, you CAN sing. What a beautiful voice. Keep doing it.

  17. oh you! i love you, you better keep singing. i want to hear more.

  18. LOVE the puppet! That voice is amazing- that was you? Cool!!! Too bad about the audition, but it does make for a purty funny story, which has to be worth something. πŸ˜‰

  19. Flutter you rock the universe. I can’t believe you had the fortitude to do that! Even if I could sing, which I totally can’t, I could never have had the guts to do that. Two thumbs up!

    (incidentally, the way you sang it was actually a lot more appropriate for Madonna anyways)

  20. America’s Got Talent awaits!

  21. Great voice. Great story. This might have been crazy, but in such a good way!

  22. America’s Got Talent….LMAO!! Oh, I would probably end up falling on my eye before I got in front of the Hoff….

  23. You’re amazing. AMAZING.

    I probably would have ran too. LOL

  24. I can sing, too.

    No, really…I can. πŸ™‚

    I love performing. There just are few things like singing in a spotlight with a full orchestra behind you. I left the path of a professional opera singer because well…it didn’t jive with the life I wanted for my family. Besides, I love musical theater much much more but I cannot dance worth ANYTHING, so I always felt conflicted, though I have done a ton of it.

    We have very different voices, but yours is lovely.

    And?

    I totally should make a sock puppet. πŸ™‚

  25. Great voice you have there. The puppet is kinda hot. I’m choosing to believe you posted this for my birthday. πŸ™‚

  26. SING! So many layers to you, Christine. Lovely, lovely layers!

  27. That’s pretty awesome. I have a soft spot for sock puppets. I once acted out a scene from The Breakfast Club using sock puppets for each character. They’re very versatile performers.

  28. A spanish challenged rock star! That tops any crazy story I’ve heard.

  29. oh, i wish you had stayed!

  30. This is the BEST. STORY. EVER.

    EVER.

    I am in love with this story. I am making out with this story.

    Your voice is killer, indeed. It’s worthy of your writing talent.

    Incidentally, stop hating on my Teva flip-flops. They were a revelation when I discovered them a few years ago. Don’t hurt my Teva feelings.

  31. I always imagined you had a beautiful voice to match that heart of yours. Unfortunately I won’t be able to hear it with my deafness. But I can tell you honestly in my mind it’s a strong, gorgeous, vibrant voice. (Hugs)Indigo

  32. your voice IS gorgeous!!!! and your sock puppet is FOXY.

  33. I REMEMBER THIS–thank you flutter for the song. and your brief start search stint may have been just that, brief, but you had GUTS, lady. xoxo

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