Parental Bureaucracy

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

~ George W. Bush

Dear Mom & Dad,

We are writing this letter to ask you a very important thing. We know that you have said no to this many times before, but we are hoping that you will change your mind after reading this letter. We want to get one of the free kittens they are giving away up at W——–. We have come up with a few ideas of why you should let us do this.

The first reason is that we will make sure that it has all its vaccinations and gets them if it doesn’t have them. We will also make sure that it is a boy kitten.

The second reason is that we will care for it and keep it company until it gets used to the family. We will also pay for its collar, tags, and maybe a litter box. We will also take turns cleaning out its litter box.

The third reason is that if you let us get the kitten we will keep our room clean so the kitten will have a safe environment to live in.

As we said before, we know you have said no many times before, but we still hope that this letter will change your mind. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Aryn and Zoe

Dear Aryn and Zoe,

We have received your written request for a kitten. We wish to commend you both for choosing this form of request over your previous method of nagging, whining and puppy-dog-eyed pleading. Clearly you’ve taken the time to give this some thought and, as a result, have crafted a well-worded solicitation – a pleasingly preferable method toward achieving your goals.

The success of your recent lemonade stand venture, in spite of our nation’s current recessional tendencies, has proven that you are budding entrepreneurs treading the rocky path toward economic viability. Your lean business practices have netted you a sizeable profit which, properly invested, will go a long way toward underwriting both the startup and overhead expenditures which are part and parcel of kitten ownership.

We have also noticed the recent upturn with regard to the safety and efficiency of your living quarters. There is a noticeable decline in trip hazards, and the myriad storage spaces are organized and largely free of clutter. The willful and consistent attention to these duties, with minimal upper-management prompting, has shown that your department is accruing, to its benefit, a modicum of initiative lacking in previous months.

Most importantly, we have taken note of the increased level of care shown toward our organization’s current pet population. Seldom do they pine for fresh water or food, and they are also reporting an increase in belly rubs and neighborhood walks. Customer satisfaction is our top priority, and this positive feedback indicates an upward trend with regard to the quality of service you are providing.

Kitten ownership is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. Yet your recent activity has shown that your department is clearly ready to undertake such a task. We hereby submit your request, along with our evaluations and sentiments, to The Cheek of God Tweaker Committee for their considerations and comments. Upon receiving their input, we’ll further consider your request and present you with our response.

Until that time, we encourage you both to continue demonstrating proper departmental practices. Documented and consistent success in future days will be taken into consideration and no doubt influence our decision.

Respectfully,

Mom & Dad

[photo credit]