Let’s say goodbye, the hundredth time, and then tomorrow we’ll do it again. – My Chemical Romance (Drowning Lesson)
We’ve done this before.
I imagine this time it’ll be like the sad falling out good friends go through, when things change too much and paths diverge. We’ll see each other across the room but refuse to acknowledge one another’s presence. Our eyes will meet but we’ll quickly look away. We may even talk bad about each other behind steady palms. But we’ll never hang out again. At least not like we once did.
And I will suffer. In the dark, a visceral hunger will disrupt my sleep. I will dream of you and regret will eat away at the tender shell of my resolve. I will awaken weakened and craving you . . .
Yet no matter how I try and justify the pleasure you have given me, these two facts remain: You’re killing me, and you’ll never change. Rather, I am allowing you to kill me. I invited you in. Gave you each and every breath. Let you warm my heart with your unwavering passion. And you never once let me down.
I don’t blame you for being what you are. I simply can’t need you any longer.
Someone once said, “The longest hours I’ve had in my life were the ones that I went through to know I was right.” I will find a way to live without you, yet I imagine these hours that stretch before me will suck badly. I will see you wafting through shafts of streetlight, dancing carefree about the smiles and bright eyes of your other lovers, and want so much to run over and embrace you – breathe you in and feel you fill me up. To love you more than they ever could . . .
You’ll never change. The pleasures you’ve planted deep in my mind will draw me relentlessly. My desire for you will drown me, perhaps for the rest of my life. And maybe I’m a fool for thinking I can walk away for good this time around. But I am taking the first steps. Wobbly though they be, I will find my strength again.
I need to. This time . . .