Goodbye

Let’s say goodbye, the hundredth time, and then tomorrow we’ll do it again.My Chemical Romance (Drowning Lesson)

We’ve done this before.

I imagine this time it’ll be like the sad falling out good friends go through, when things change too much and paths diverge. We’ll see each other across the room but refuse to acknowledge one another’s presence. Our eyes will meet but we’ll quickly look away. We may even talk bad about each other behind steady palms. But we’ll never hang out again. At least not like we once did.

And I will suffer. In the dark, a visceral hunger will disrupt my sleep. I will dream of you and regret will eat away at the tender shell of my resolve. I will awaken weakened and craving you . . .

Yet no matter how I try and justify the pleasure you have given me, these two facts remain: You’re killing me, and you’ll never change. Rather, I am allowing you to kill me. I invited you in. Gave you each and every breath. Let you warm my heart with your unwavering passion. And you never once let me down.

I don’t blame you for being what you are. I simply can’t need you any longer.

Someone once said, “The longest hours I’ve had in my life were the ones that I went through to know I was right.” I will find a way to live without you, yet I imagine these hours that stretch before me will suck badly. I will see you wafting through shafts of streetlight, dancing carefree about the smiles and bright eyes of your other lovers, and want so much to run over and embrace you – breathe you in and feel you fill me up. To love you more than they ever could . . .

You’ll never change. The pleasures you’ve planted deep in my mind will draw me relentlessly. My desire for you will drown me, perhaps for the rest of my life. And maybe I’m a fool for thinking I can walk away for good this time around. But I am taking the first steps. Wobbly though they be, I will find my strength again.

I need to. This time . . .

[photo credit]

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32 thoughts on “Goodbye

  1. It might seem like that, but it’s not. She still wants you. She’s beautiful and she’s forgiving. She’s there for you on your best days and when you need her most, on your worst days. She’ll hang with you, doing nothing, and she can fill you with a shot of confidence on the really important days. She’s a slut, giving what she has to anyone else that wants it, but even so it’s the best you’ve ever had.

    And you need to give it up.

    (btw, women? Insert “he” when reading. All the other stuff still applies.)

    Two things worked for me: The patch (though it had a permanent effect on how my skin reacts to certain things), and watching the movie My Life with Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman. I highly recommend renting that one. I quit the next day, just over thirteen years ago. Good luck.

  2. Oh, I wish you the best of luck with that. If it helps, I quit in 1984, hubby quit in 1993, my BIL quit around 1985. Dad quit after 30 years in 1976. It stuck with all of us. We didn’t go back. (And that was before the days of patches, gum, and prescription meds).

    It can be done, and you’re tough enough.

    Peace – D

  3. ok, I skipped the entry notes and thought you were leaving your wife LOL…had to re read it!

    I quit in 1987- PREGNANT- morning sickness and fear of a small baby. He weighed in at 9 pounds 12 oz…so I should’ve waited to quit until after he was born LOL.

    good luck. it’s hard, they make it addictive on purpose- they want YOUR MONEY. but you’ve overcome lots…so you’ll do it!

    wish you could experience the morning sickness with the morning cigarette because seriously, you’d never smoke again!

    think of your children….in fact put their photos around any cig box! You’ll want to live long enough to see their weddings….and without an oxygen pump attached to you while you wheel chair around for the father daughter dance!

  4. The Best of Luck. I know it doesnt get any easier.. but yu know you have the love and support of bunches of us thknow you or have come to know you throught The Cheek…. we’ll all be pulling for you!

  5. Ive heard there are 2 motivating factors in life…

    1. The pursuit of Pleasure.

    2. The avoidance of Pain.

    If you can learn to associate more Pain with smoking and more pleasure with quitting, it will be a breeze.

    “Mind over Matter, If you dont Mind, it dont Matter”

  6. Good luck on this journey. There is a drug (eep) that my step sister took that cut her craving and she hasn’t had the urge to smoke since. It cost $300 for three months, but she’s been thankful ever since because she has 2 young children. I got the impression you had some young’uns yourself so do it for them if not for yourself. They’ll thank you for it someday.

  7. Oh babe – the best of luck to you in throwing off the clutches of that evil siren! Cigarrettes are so hard to quit – both my mother and my older brother have tried. I’m just grateful they never were my thing. I’m really proud of you for trying. So you gonna be chewing a humongous wad of gum from here on?

  8. If you can stay focussed on all the health you’ll bring your way with every day off the stick, you’ll realize how worth it this endeavour will be.

    Your life is yours to create how you choose – and you have chosen such a fantastic way to create – keep it going for a very long time!

    Strength and peace be to you.

  9. I thought you were giving up blogging, so the tag of Smoking was a sort of relief. Hate to think that another one bit the dust so soon. Blogging is hard work and its own sort of addiction, but hopefully it’s not nearly as bad for you as smoking is.

  10. Ok. Let’s help kill this craving of yours, ours (we all crave something that is bad for us) with creativity! Your own near death experiences haven’t done the trick. Your loved ones, THE most powerful force in your life, have not done it, either. So, I propose that with this new initiative that you kill this pleasure killer-sucker with your own creativity. And, we your readers shall help you. Each of us, there are 21 comments as I write this…(21 days theoretically is the magic number of days to instill the architecture of a habit in our psyche)…so each of us can give you a creative assignment to trigger the most powerful agent of change you have: the impulse to create.

    I’ll give you my assignment. On my blog is a picture of a paper bag that was thrown away and landed on the street. (If you don’t see it, press the arrow to back entries). Write a 500 word story about this paperbag. Give life to that which has been thrown away and discarded!

    Your mission if you choose to accept it, Mr. Bond.

    You could also try the patch, too!!!

  11. Good luck! I have brothers who smoke and would like to quit. Maybe I’ll send them to your post. And WHEN you succeed I’ll be sure to let them know so that they can be motivated to quit as well.

  12. Bravo to you for putting it out there on your blog. Shine the flashlight in the rats’ eye and it runs for cover.
    I’ll add to those applauding your decision.
    It’s a tough one and a daily one.

    But always worth the try.

  13. Wow, your smoking habit and my food issues should get together and go bowling.

    Are you in my head? You have perfectly articulated how I feel about giving up my own bad habit. I wish you luck, a will of steel, and a quick peace for all your pissed off neuroreceptors. Hang in there friend.

  14. May I add my best wishes to the others? We’re not all the same. What works for one person won’t for another and what worked before may not work this time. You’ll do it if you are determined!

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