Bigfoot in big hurry!
I break in this guy’s house and steal folding computer and ask you to buy new book I write. Bigfoot sneak up on this guy reading big thick book by old dead guy. Words not make sense to me so I leave copy of my new book for him. Maybe he read it when he wake up. I bash him on head harder than should have.
But I not dead. I on book tour!
Though I not do what agent want. He think I should go to mall and growl for crowd. Make me hold tiny pen and write name for hours.
Not Bigfoot’s style. So I try sneak attack marketing! Bigfoot not so dumb.
My new book what smarty pant ass bag guy in suit at book company call memoir. I give you some of what I write:
Good Old Day
Woods used be about survival of fittest. Kill or be kill. Best days of Bigfoot life. Smash all day, sleep like baby at night. Now everyone go all soft. Violence not “cool”. Now all about compassion and reason and understanding. Used to be Bigfoot smash hiker with rock and later that night share smash anecdote on Carson. Now everybody hold candlelight vigil for hiker and newspaper call me vulgar out dated animal and people say awful thing about me on internet. It hurt Bigfoot feeling, make cry, want to kill all of you.
I try honest approach with book. Let all hang out. Be real deal. Hope not offend reader. But Bigfoot can’t hold in anymore.
Not all serious though. At end of day I still funny monster with big smile.
So get Bigfoot book. Or I come to your house and make read it.
This guy waking up now. Bigfoot got to go . . .