1. Ignore Your Health
The benefits of a healthy lifestyle are greatly exaggerated. Trust me, I know. There’s simply nothing wrong with going through life with your head in the sand. Sure you may not live as long, and you may get some life-threatening illness like diabetes, or cancer, but in the end it’s all about being happy and doing what you want. Besides, doctor visits cost money, and taking medication requires an attention to details that can threaten your blissful routine.
2. Start Smoking
The benefits are staggering. You gain a whole new circle of friends who share your new habit and can be there when you need to bum a smoke or a light. You can take more breaks at work and stand outside more often, just to get some fresh air.
3. Spend More Than You Make (or, Spend Most of Your Money On Things You Want)
Food and clothing, like money, have a way of appearing out of nowhere. So don’t sweat it. If you see something you want, buy it. If it helps, you can always say that you’re trying to better yourself by staying current. Trends change often and the best way to stay on top of the game is by buying the latest, hottest items.
4. Stop Opening Your Bills
5. Avoid Intimacy With Your Spouse
I’m not talking about sex here. You should have that as often, and as quickly, as possible. What I’m talking about are the little things like touching, kissing, hugging, or simple conversation. Those things take time and reap very few benefits. When you go to bed at night, be sure and turn your back to your spouse when you snuggle down. If you don’t plan to sleep right away, bring a book and read it until your eyes get cloudy, being careful to tune out whatever your spouse may say to you. This isn’t hard; simply say “Mmm” or “Oh, really.” Eventually, your spouse will stop talking to you and you’ll enjoy blessed silence.
6. Quit Being A Role Model For Your Kids
Kids are resilient and adaptable. They’ll figure things out for themselves in the long run. And your influence won’t make much of an impact anyway. Compared to all the things they can learn from TV, movies, music, video games, books and their friends, how can you possible expect to instill anything of value into their lives? And, honestly, the internet has so much useful, up-to-date information available that whatever you have to teach them will seem lame and archaic by comparison. Let them figure out how to make their own decisions and fight their own battles. What tools and information they lack will come to them through trial and error, and the consequences will be theirs alone.
7. Become a Cynic
There are few things in this life that are beyond ridicule or unworthy of suspicious contempt. A well-spoken diatribe will usually help you get your point across, prove to others that you do indeed know it all, and they’ll ultimately appreciate your candor.
8. Forget The Past
Pay no heed to lessons learned from your elders or those around you who may have known more than you did at that point in time. Every day is a new day and a new chance to reinvent the wheel.
9. Don’t Think About The Future
Live only in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself. These tips may sound cliché, but there’s nothing like the peace that comes when you avoid thinking about the circumstances that may arise tomorrow. You’ll feel the burdens of life lift from your shoulders and be able to sigh in rapturous resignation.
10. Give Up Trying To Change (or, Take More Naps)
Finally, accept the fact that change is hard and, ultimately, not worth the effort. If you’re faced with a particularly difficult task or must make a life-changing decision, put it off for a few hours and take a nap. You’ll wake up refreshed and relieved that the moment of crisis has passed with nary a blink of an eye or a lifted finger.
Doing all these things takes a grand amount of effort. This may seem ironic, since most of these tips require scant traces of discipline. But give them a shot and you’ll find that living happier and dying younger is a work requiring great exertion. But your friends and family will see your attempts and recognize you for the revolutionary being you are. Trust me . . .